Comfort Kit

So, our kid is starting at a new preschool.

It's great. A pig, chickens and a huge rabbit are now a part of his daily encounters, along with as much outside play as he wants. By the color of his skin on this 70 degree spring day, I am going to guess he was out there for most of the day.

When we had out first tour and talked with the teachers they mentioned that we'd need to put together a comfort kit for out son. At first I figured they meant that it was a bag that had stuff in it that they could pull out when and if he got homesick or sad. That's great, I thought.

Then they explained more: It's a collection of food and clothing, a flashlight and a letter from you and family photos...in case of an emergency, like a big earthquake or other emergency that would keep you away for a day or longer (echo: a day or longer...a day or longer...a day or longer...a day or longer). I had a lump in my throat immediately. Like, if we died in a catastrophic earthquake and he was alone and afraid and would never see us again? Or if it took us a day or so to get to him because of unforeseen obstacles?

Commence absolute panic.

So now its a month later. Our almost complete comfort kit is sitting in front of me. It contains a fleece blanket he's had his whole life, a warm fleece outfit, hat and warm socks I got at goodwill, two Cliff protein bars, two chocolately Kind bars, two packages of banana/strawberry puree and undies and jerky. Still left to add: letter and photos. The thought of doing this is nauseating. But also so important. I want to write him a letter. I want to write him a good letter.  A letter that says everything I would ever want to say to him.  I want to add photos of so many things. I want to add stories of moments and games we play and our favorite things and to try to actually write down the incredible love I have for him. Just in case.

What intense shit!

I hope to all the Gods and Goddesses that exist and have ever existed that my child never ever has to even look at anything in this comfort kit. And I am grateful beyond anything I can even comprehend or imagine that this silly and sweet school is making us do this.

Stupid earthquake prone Seattle.

In the Lull

In the Lull

you forget the energy that fed you for weeks

you question

you imagine yourself living the dream and it feels unfamiliar; not possible

In the lull you worry

you doubt

you are thankful you paid for that workshop before the lull, otherwise you may not have done it

you worry more

you wonder if it was all some silly willy nilly excitement that was fun while it lasted but isn't real

you worry

In the lull 

you wonder what the heck you were thinking and, shit, you talked to so many friends about it (hello vulnerable) and your husband about it and what if its just not meant to be

In the lull you think

what if I am not cut out for this?
or its not right?
or it won't make me happy?
or it ends up being a waste of money AND I have lost my job (that you don't even like anyways)

In the lull

you are remotely aware of and thankful for the course which led you to this lull AND which told you it would likely happen, and what to expect, and not to be afraid or lose sight of your dream

In the lull

the challenge is

to be with it

to let the fears and doubts arise and not let them take hold

to sit with the dream and how it energized you

It was a vision of something good 

that led you to sign up for this workshop and buy a plane ticket and reach out to an old acquaintance from high school

to open up to the possibility that other dreams may be (are definitely) pulling you, and they may be (probably will be) in a different arena than the one you are currently in


As far as the lull goes

let it be

and do what you need to do

Intuition

I love the Mondo Beyondo course.

The assignment the other day was around intuition. We were asked to answer the following:

1. Where have your best impulses taken you?
2. Have you ever had a time where listening to your gut totally paid off? What was the situation? 
3. How did you know that you knew what to do next?

The act of sitting down and thinking back on some of my most powerful experiences with listening to my intuition, was really, really, really good.

I was reminded that I have a solid intuitive sense and I always learn the most and shine my brightest when I listen.

Some powerful things came to mind, both exciting and depressing:

1. I got it
2. I rarely take the time these past couple of years to let myself be QUIET enough to hear that voice, and trust it.
3. I've had some things bubbling up from the inside and waiting to come out for a bit now.
4. Now that I am aware of this, I am taking some actions to remedy this recent disconnection with self.

I loved a conversation I had the other day with one of my dearest ladies. We both tend to let our minds race and run all over the place. We talked about how hard it is to decipher what is inner wisdom and what is fear or anxiety or issues from growing up. With all those voices going, going, going where is the peace? Where is the opening, the clearing, the space for something new to arise? 

I am having so many potent self-re-discoveries in these past few weeks. I wish I was hanging out at a cabin in a beautiful forest or on a beach with quiet all around me throughout this course. I want to do all this work and let it all seep in during long and quiet and headphone-free walks. 

Maintenance

I am contemplating my blog's title. There's just something about the word maintenance. And then there's the use of a classic book title cleverly tweaked to become my blog title. Is that cheesy? Void of creativity?

Maintenance brings to mind someone who requires a lot of energy to have a relationship with. Ick. So,
I looked the word up to understand its roots. 

The english word maintain comes from the latin words manu tenere to hold in the hand. Thats kind of nice.

It means to: 
1. keep something in good condition by making repairs and correcting problems (very relevant.) 
2. to continue doing something (still relevant.)
3. to keep in an existing state; preserve from failure or decline (yup.)
4. to sustain against opposition or danger; uphold and defend (ok.)
5. to continue or persevere; carry on; keep up (definitely.)
6. to support or provide for (yes!)

I suppose the word Maintenance work here. What do you think?

A Course in Superhero-ism

I started a class this week called Mondo Beyondo. It goes for 6 weeks, five are left. I will explain what the class is since, given the title, you wouldn't know. But first I'll explain why I am taking it.

I've been intrigued by the prospect of a life coach for many years now. I worked as a care-giver for a time with an 8 year-old boy, Darren, who lived with Asberger's Syndrome. He was fun and strange and sweet and intense. His mama's name escapes me but I really liked her. She was either studying to become one or else already was a life coach. I'd never heard of that profession before and the way she described it interested me. I remember asking her little questions about from time to time to continue trying to clear up the hazy idea I had of what exactly she did for people. I've since gotten I better sense of what life coaching means and I think it a brilliant idea. As with any thing that exists that I can guess might make my sometimes confusing life a bit easier to interpret, I have wanted to give it a shot.

So here we are now. Darren is about 22 and we've long ago lost touch. A friend forwarded me a blog post a week ago. It was a story that made her think of me given the topic. The author had recently taken an online course about dreaming big and had managed to make a big dream become a reality. Her dream was similar to my dream of having an au pair, which is why my friend forwarded her story.
I was inspired by the story but more so by the class she referred to. I looked it up. I read the following:

6 weeks full of powerful stories, exercises, secret missions and audio interviews-- All designed to help you clarify your deepest dreams + begin to make them real. 

I was intrigued to say the least. The words life + coaching came up a few times on the website and in some reviews.

I began to ponder taking this course. I didn't have long to consider as it began in the next few days. The only reason I hesitated was the price, $99. And in the midst of my all-over-the-place mental decision-making process, my heart continued to chime in. I would get that upward breeze in my soul any time I held the possibility of being a part of the course. And that part of me would tell the mental part of me to get my priorities straight and consider how easily I might otherwise spend that $99 on a dress, or shoes or a night out or toiletries. Really? Do it.

So here I am in this course. One week down and I love it. I love the affirmations, the quotes, the core values I ended up with after one of the activies. I love where we are beginning to go and only just barely getting warmed up. I love the online class community. It's a brilliant and supportive and encouraging group of women (and a few men). I needed that. I needed them.

In fact, it's the weekend now which means I have to wait all the way until Monday to get the next assignment/activity and I am a wee bit sad about it. So I decided to go with the flow of this and begin writing about it. I want to document my thoughts about the class and some contributions to discussions and between a word doc and this old dusty blog I decided to go with this old slightly less dusty blog.